Warning! Do not read this if you have a delicate constitution!
You know, dogs are creatures of habits - we all have our little rituals.
People do, too - they just don't like to admit it. But I know ALL my Mom's rituals, and I have carefully and strategically adapted my behaviors to best suit my Mom's, 'cause that's what good companions do!
So, here is a list of my daily rituals - this is what I do on days that Mom has to go to work - which is almost everyday.
1. When Mom's alarm goes off, she shuts it off and sleeps some more, and the alarm goes off again, and she hits it, and then she lies in bed for a little while mumbling and groaning about not wanting to get up. After about 10 minutes of this, she says my name, and then I know I can get up on the bed for morning snuggles. I LOVE morning snuggles!
2. Then, Mom tells me we have to get up, and she goes into her bathroom for a minute, and then we go downstairs and she lets me out for potty time, and then I rush back inside, because it is:
3.Breakfast time! Breakfast time! I love breakfast! I have the same thing, everyday. But that's OK! I love breakfast!
4) While I'm eating, Mom goes to take a shower. When I finish my breakfast, I rush upstairs and lie on her bed, watching the bathroom door very closely.
5) When she finishes her shower, and finishes putting on all her face creams and lotions, she opens the bathroom door, and I rush in, get a drink of water from my bowl, and lick all of her bathroom towels. Mom thinks this is gross, but it is really delicious. Try it sometime!
6) Mom starts to blow-dry her hair, and I rush over so she will blow my hair, too, because I love the blow-dryer. Mom teases me sometimes by blowing my face, and that makes me bark and bark, and then I turn around so she will blow my back, and rub me.
7) I always try to lick off her leg lotion, and she always tells me no.
8) Then I start to growl softly, because that is how I tell Mom I need to go outside again.
9) Mom turns off the blow-dryer, and takes me downstairs and lets me out. I spend a lot of time walking around, looking for squirrels and stuff, plus I do all my other business. When I am finished, I come back inside (I know how to open the door) and head for the love seat in the living room, ... and get comfy.
10) When Mom is finally ready for work, she comes downstairs, and checks to make sure I am inside (I am almost always on the love seat, but sometimes I like to laze around outside in the sun). If I haven't come inside yet, I refuse to come in until she bribes me with a biscuit.
11) Then, Mom tells me goodbye, and leaves for work, and I begin my daily duties.
Notice: no where in that schedule did Mom eat breakfast - she never eats breakfast when she is going to work - I don't understand it - I could NEVER skip breakfast - but my Mom does.
But here's the thing - If it is a day when Mom does NOT go to work, I have to switch up my ritual a little bit in order to accomodate hers. You must understand, this is all to help out my Mom!
1) I immediately know it is a day when she is staying home, because her alarm never goes off - this is good is some ways, because I know she will be staying home with me, and playing with me. And it is bad in some ways, because she sleeps a really really long time some times, and I have to wait and wait and wait to go outside in the morning - and sometimes I really need to go! But I never wake her up, because I am a good dog!
2) We have our morning snuggles, and she goes to her bathroom, and then she takes me downstairs and lets me out.
3) I rush rush rush out, and then I rush back inside, because I know she will be eating breakfast!
4) She gives me my breakfast, and starts to cook hers. Her breakfasts are always more delicious than mine.
5) She takes her breakfast and her coffee upstairs to eat in bed while she watches some TV, and as soon as I finish my breakfast, I rush upstairs and jump on her bed. Sometimes I finish my breakfast before she finishes cooking hers, and I beat her upstairs.
6) Then, I start to heave and heave, and I throw up my breakfast in the middle of her bed, so that I will have more room in my tummy in case she wants to share her breakfast with me.
7) Then Mom has to put her breakfast down, and she is yelling at me, and she starts to clean up my breakfast, so I start to help her - she can't just throw away my perfectly good breakfast - so I eat some of it again, and she throws some of it away, all the time fussing at me. How can she throw away my own perfectly good breakfast? I always intend to go back and eat it after I finish helping her with HER breakfast. I think it is mean, and wasteful.
8) Then Mom finishes her breakfast, and sometimes she shares the tail end of it with me, and then she washes her comforter.
But here's the thing - I do this every single time that Mom cooks breakfast for herself. For years and years, Mom thought I was sick, and she almost took me to the doctor one time, to make sure I didn't have a bad illness.
Then, all of a sudden, after 9 years of this same ritual, this morning my Mom made the brilliant deduction that I was doing this on purpose, and she decided that on days she was staying home and eating breakfast, she wasn't going to give me MY breakfast until long after she finishes hers.
That's not fair.